Merry Fishmas and a Happy New Queer
by Lovely Zelda
Summary: A Christmas story of peace on earth, good will towards men, and the Amazon Trio.


**_Disclaimer__: Sailor Moon belongs to several corporations that I'm not a part of. Santa Claus belongs to children everywhere and any one who believes in the magic of Christmas._**

**_Rating__: PG, but it's all pretty harmless. You should know by now that I can't write a Christmas story without mistletoe. Or a Sailor Moon story without some shounen-ai!(or is shounen-ai the one where you just hint at stuff?)_**

**_Other__: A rather rushed Christmas fic(written in one day, so it could suck hardcore) about our SuperS pals. And yes, I know that SuperS takes place during the summer, but I don't care. Even dream raping carnies deserve to celebrate Christmas._**

At the Dead Moon Circus, the eggnog was already flowing like water as the Amazon Trio contemplated their Christmas tree. It was a scraggly, pathetic thing with four drooping branches. "It's a good little tree," said Hawk's-Eye. "It just needs to be replaced with a better one."

           "It was the only shoplifting sized one," said Tiger's-Eye.

Hawk's-Eye sighed and snapped his fingers. The tree vanished, a large, pink plastic one appearing in its place. Grimacing, Fish-Eye snapped his fingers, turning the tree blue.

     Tiger's-Eye stood back and watched as his teammates changed the color of their Christmas tree from pink to blue and back again. He knew this dispute wouldn't end unless they were forced to do some work. And even then it wouldn't be completely over until Fish-Eye and Hawk's-Eye's thumbs blistered.

***

"What do you want for Christmas, Serena?" asked Darien.

  Serena blushed. "Oh, Darien, I don't want anything," she replied. "I'm just happy that we're together."

Dating Serena had taught Darien one important thing about women—"I don't want anything" meant they wanted something impressive and meaningful. There would also be hell to pay if, on the day of the gift giving occasion, you told them how special they were without an impressive and meaningful gift.

As Serena took his hand and smiled up at him, warning bells started to go off in Darien's head. This "I don't want anything" obviously meant jewelry.

***

Zircon arrived, putting a temporary end to the color struggle. "Ewgh," said Hawk's-Eye and Tiger's-Eye as they looked at the target.

Fish-Eye grabbed the picture from them. "Ooo! He looks so distinguished!" he squealed.

***

The next day, Serena and Rini were waiting in line at Santa's Village. "This is so exciting," said Diana. "I've never seen Santa Claus before!"

"Tell me what you want, Diana, so I can tell Santa," said Rini.

"But doesn't Santa Claus know I can talk?" the kitten asked.

Serena and Rini exchanged a glance. "Yes, but…his elves don't know that," said Serena.

Diana thought for a moment. "I want a cat nip plant and a new ball of yarn and a fish." She licked her lips. "I can almost smell it now…"

A blue haired young woman was currently sitting on Santa's lap. "And what do you want for Christmas?" he asked.

The girl smiled. "What I really want," she said, playing with a long strand of hair that hung in front of her face. "More than anything…is to see your dreams!"

"What?"

The girl leapt off Santa's lap and with a snap of her fingers, changed into Fish-Eye. "One! Two! Three!"

Several children at the front of the line started crying. "What's going on?" asked Serena. She stood on her toes to try to see over the crowd.

"You'd better transform!" said Diana.

Fish-Eye emerged from Santa Claus' dream mirror. "No, Pegasus," he said, his left eye starting to twitch. "And you're not the real Santa Claus!"

"Hold it right there!" Sailor Moon shouted. "Santa Claus brings hope and joy to children all over the—"

"What do you mean he's not the real Santa Claus?" wailed Sailor Mini-Moon.

"He's a fraud," Fish-Eye snapped, tearing Santa's beard off and hurling it at the hysterical children. He turned to his shadow. "Arise, lemure! Nutcracko!"

Nutcracko looked a lot like other decorative nutcrackers. The only difference was that he wasn't wearing pants. "Why can't we ever understand what they're saying?" Sailor Moon wondered as Nutcracko taunted them.

"There is a real Santa Claus, isn't there?" asked Sailor Mini-Moon.

"Not now, Mini-Moon!"

***

"Well?" asked Tiger's-Eye.

"There's no Santa Claus," Fish-Eye announced. He morosely unwrapped one of the candy canes he'd stolen.

"You're not going to get anything in your stocking with that attitude," said Tiger's-Eye. "You probably just picked the wrong old man in a red suit."

***

"Now, Sailor Mini-Moon!" Tuxedo Mask shouted. Nutcracko was currently trying to chew through a bouquet of roses.

"Pegasus probably isn't real either," Sailor Mini-Moon muttered.

***

By an astonishing coincidence, the Amazon Trio had been given two male targets in a row. Hawk's-Eye and Tiger's-Eye were alone at the bar, working on another important project. "Read it back to me," said Tiger's-Eye.

"'Dear Santa,'" Hawk's-Eye read. "'Please ignore the things Fish-Eye has been saying about you. He can be a real bitch sometimes.'"

"How does Santa Claus feel about swearing?" asked Tiger's-Eye.

Hawk's-Eye rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, Tiger's-Eye. Santa knows that Fish-Eye's a bitch." He continued reading. "'We'd really like lots of alcohol and a pony—but only a pony with wings and the golden crystal. We've been very good this year and are only taking over the world because we're better and smarter than humans.'"

"Underline 'lots' again," said Tiger's-Eye.

Zircon flew in, a sprig of mistletoe dangling from one wing. Tiger's-Eye and Hawk's-Eye looked at him, then at each other.

***

"Mini-Moon, this time you really have to call Pegasus," Sailor Moon hissed. "They just laugh at me when I use Moon Spiral Heart Attack!"

Sailor Mini-Moon shrugged. "Pegasus is probably just another lie told to me by my crappy parents," she said. 

"We don't know anything about Pegasus to lie to you about!"

***

When Fish-Eye entered the bar, Tiger's-Eye and Hawk's-Eye were still giving each other looks of dread. "What's wrong with you?" asked Fish-Eye. He looked up and saw Zircon still hovering over them. "Oh, grow up."

"You're right, Fish," said Hawk's-Eye. "It's just a stupid—" He would have continued if Fish-Eye hadn't kissed him.

Tiger's-Eye's jaw dropped. Not only was Fish-Eye kissing Hawk's-Eye, but Hawk's-Eye was putting up absolutely no resistance. One of the pink haired man's hands had already wandered down to Fish-Eye's ass. Before Tiger's-Eye had recovered enough from this scene to comment, Fish-Eye was kissing him.

"Problem solved!" Fish-Eye said brightly. He sat down and a martini appeared in his hands.

An ecstatic Zircon flew off while Tiger's-Eye and Hawk's-Eye tried to figure out what had just happened. They both turned to Fish-Eye and said, "Never do that again." It wasn't particularly convincing.

"Whatever," said Fish-Eye. "Just don't tell imaginary old men that I'm a bitch."

***

On Christmas morning, the Amazon Trio looked down at the elaborately wrapped present in front of their stockings. "See, Fish? There is a Santa Claus," said Tiger's-Eye.

"And he hates us," said Hawk's-Eye once they'd opened it. It was a box full of coal and pamphlets on the dangers of alcohol abuse. "Even after we told him how good we've been."

***

Diana was playing with her new ball of yawn. "See, Rini?" she said. "The enemy was just lying to us again!" 

Rini smiled. "I'm glad you're right," she said.

Nearby, Serena was holding up a delicate necklace with a crescent moon shaped charm. "Oh, Darien! It's so beautiful!" she gushed. "You didn't have to get me anything!"

***

Sealed within her cursed mirror, Nehellenia was celebrating Christmas in her own way. "I'm so glad I could spend the holidays with you," she told her reflection. "You're so beautiful…"

***

"Here, Fish," said Hawk's-Eye. "We got you something."

Fish-Eye quickly tore off the wrapping paper. "Vodka!" he exclaimed. "And vermouth! This is the nicest thing anyone's ever given me…"

"Read the card," said Tiger's-Eye and Hawk's-Eye said.

Fish-Eye looked at the small card tied to the neck of the vodka bottle. It read, "I'll give you the rest of your present as soon as we make geek face go after another crap target, H." He checked the note attached to the vermouth bottle. This one said, "I'll give you the rest of your present once geek face gets off his ass and does some work, T." Fish-Eye grinned. This was turning out to be the best Christmas ever. 


End file.
